If Men Could Get Pregnant

I’m torn between taunting “nanny, nanny, boo-boo” or shrinking into an overwhelming sadness. The “nanny, nanny, boo-boo” is for any woman that has given aid, comfort, or votes, to a Republican candidate for the last sixty years. From Nixon forward I’ve told anyone that was listening, this is where the Republican party is going. The release of the Supreme Court draft this week confirms what many of us have seen coming for decades. “Future Back to the Past” is about to come to fruition. Get ready for barefoot and pregnant girls. We’re headed back to the fifties. Not the 1950’s, the 1850’s.

I hold particular disdain for female congress people like Susan Collins who held the allegiance to her party closer than her sense of self. True, when Collins gave Gorsuch, Kavanaugh and Barrett the green light to proceed she was well past child bearing age. No skin off of her nose, right? In truth, Collins probably never had to worry one moment about childbearing altering her career path. The fact that the same was not true for 99.99 percent of all other women did not resonate with Collins. But that’s how it is with Republicans, male and female alike. They’ve been altered genetically. Their empathy gene has been removed. How can people presume to represent others when they can’t identify with their constituent’s life situations?

Imagine if you will, that men could get pregnant. Star quarterback, Ben Dover has just been drafted number one in the NFL draft. Six weeks after his draft celebration party, Ben finds himself in a family way. What to do, what to do? Put off child bearing until he’s completed his career or prepare himself for his body and his pocketbook to take a big hit? Everybody knows the answer to this one, we learned about it in Catechism. Ben would take the hit for the Republican party, have the baby and turn it over to a Catholic orphanage to raise. I forgot to mention in the setup that Ben is a Catholic Republican just like five of the Supreme Court Justices.

We all know that if men could get pregnant and the number one draft pick turned up pregnant, a host of “fixers” would see to it that Ben would not lose one minute of his career, or bear any stigma for his decision. Heck, they’d probably provide a signing bonus along with grief counseling for as long as Ben needed to get over his mixed feelings. If he had any. Therein lies the contradiction and the hypocrisy.

George Carlin used to say that Republicans are not Pro Life, they’re Pro Birth. If you think about all of the social improvement bills, education, health care, etc., that have been shot down in Congress by the Republicans it’s easy to conclude that the actual life of the fetus after birth is not a concern for the Republicans. They just want to grab the knee-jerk visceral reaction from their voters over abortion and use it to further their headlong plunge back to the Victorian age. Do as I say, not do as I do.

From a strictly anthropological point of view, if we wanted to curtail unwanted pregnancies we would eliminate the seed sower not the fertile ground. Pregnant females are out of commission for at least nine months while the male could impregnate 5-6 women a day. That’s 1800+ potential births from adopting the wrongheaded assumption that the female bears all of the responsibility for the pregnancy.

The protesters carrying signs “Vasectomies not Abortions” have got a valid point. If our bodies truly belong to the state and none of us has any say with what can and can not be done to us, let’s give all males a vasectomy when they register for the draft. Eighteen might be too late in certain circumstances, but the significance of signing up to go to war at the same time relinquishing your ability to father indiscriminately might just be the wake up call this country needs.

Nip it in the bud I say, or get real about a woman’s right to choose.

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